Chapter Seven

               The First Cut

 

I jumped in my car and put the key in the ignition, Jack stood in my car doorway, smiling down at me. After the movie Jack and I had gone into his room and just talked – it was nice, there were no strings attached, we didn’t feel pressured to have to make out or anything. It was kind of like old times – when we would sit around and talk when Mel was in the shower or something.

 

“I have to work tomorrow from eleven until two, but ill come over around three?” Jack smiled. Jack tutored primary school kids in math, English and science, he hadn’t been doing it lately – given the circumstances but apparently one of the kids he tutored was falling very far behind in maths without Jack’s help. Jack knew that my mum worked six days a week, so she wouldn’t be home tomorrow and I had a feeling he didn’t like the idea of me being alone; I kind of liked how much he cared about me but I couldn’t help but feel that it might get a little annoying. “Yeah sure, I’ll see you then,” I smiled in reply, “Alright, bye beautiful,” Jack smiled leaning down to kiss my forehead. I smiled and shut the door as he stepped back to let me go, I swung out of the chance household and started the drive home.

 

I jumped out of my car and walked inside, I still had Mel’s letter in my pocket. I walked to my room, locked the door and pulled out the letter again. Mel had asked two things of me – to be happy, and to look after Jack. I wouldn’t let her down. I flopped back onto my bed, thoughts of Jack and Mel ricocheting around in my head.

 

 

I woke up in my bed, my sheets everywhere and beads of sweat running down my face and body. My breathe was coming in shallow rasps and my heart felt like it was beating in my throat, I tried to calm down, counting my breaths. In…one two…out…one two…in…one two…out…one two. I got my breathing back to normal and tried to remember the dream, parts of it were a blur and the more I tried to remember the more I forgot, but I remembered how my body was putrefying and how Mel was screaming for me.

 

I grabbed my phone to check the time, it was 12.13pm; I’d gotten home from Jack’s at around six – I’d slept for over six hours. I was still quite tired but I didn’t want to close my eyes again incase I had the same dream, and my stomach was aching with hunger. I got out of bed and made my way to the kitchen, flicking on lights as I went – not wanting to be in the dark. I opened the fridge and let the cold air rush over my body; I grabbed out the vegemite and bread and made a sandwich before opening the fridge again and sitting in front of the open fridge. The fridge’s cooled air hit my body and made me relax – somewhat. Mel’s screaming voice still echoed in my ears, silent tears streamed down my face, I imagined that was what she sounded like when the truck was getting closer and closer. I wanted to forget the dream; I wanted the pain to stop, for it to just go away.

 

I stood and grabbed a knife out of the draw, I held the knife by the blade and pressed it into my thumb, nothing happened at first, but as I moved the knife back and forth over my skin a thin line of blood appeared. I began to feel better as soon as the blood began to spill, it was like the cut was opening me up and letting all my feelings escape. I pulled the knife away, a few beads of blood decorated the blade; they stood out against the silver – like they wanted me to look at them, to know what I’d done. Blood was trailing down my thumb to my hand; I grabbed a tissue to stop the bleeding.

 

Kids at school often teased other students for dyeing their hair black, dressing like a vampire, wearing enough eyeliner to sink a ship and having a million and one scars littering their` arms; but know I actually got it – I didn’t understand the black hair, black clothes and tones of eyeliner, but I understood now why people cut themselves. I use to look at those people and wander what the hell went through their heads – how on earth could causing yourself pain make you feel better? But now I understood; the physical pain cancelled out the pain you felt inside, it was easier to focus on a cut than it was to focus on the emotional pain, it was easier to be physically broken than it was to be emotionally. I use to look at those people and think ‘what the hell?’ but now I was one of those people.